“Paper”

Brock Kawana

Professor Harrison

English 121

18 October 2009

My Schizophrenic Self

I have been on an epic journey of self discovery ever since I stepped foot into my English 101 class with Marlen Harrison.  That was at the second semester of my freshman year in college.  During this point in time I was living my belly of the whale moment in my 18 year old life.  I was lost; not only in school but in my own self.  As Siddhartha said, “I had to learn from myself, be my own pupil; I would learn from myself the secret of Brock Kawana” (Hesse). 

I went back and started reading my old blogs from English 101, and found a connection between that class and English 121.  In English 101 Marlen had his students answer the question, “What is I?”  Throughout the class I learned what creates Brock Kawana by using my five senses to analyze what is around me and how all my choices have affected who I am.  From beginning to end in English 101 class it was all a self discovery through my Diane Ackerman readings and storytelling in my blogs.  It all led me to finding out who I have become thus far.  However in English 121, I am learning that everybody has their own journey.  That we have twelve different archetypes that are inside all of us and each is used in different situations throughout our daily lives.  Therefore the connection between the two classes is that understanding my journey, which I am learning now, in life, will let me vastly understand who I am. 

There are twelve different archetypes: The Innocent, The Orphan, The Warrior, The Caregiver, The Seeker, The Destroyer, The Lover, The Creator, The Ruler, The Magician, The Sage and The Fool.  In life I must paint with all the colors in the wind.  All the colors to me are each different type of archetypes I use for every situation in my life. I use all of these at different points in time but one of them seems to stand out in this point in my life.  That is “The Fool” archetype.  “The Fool urges us to enjoy the process of our lives. The fool shows us how turn every life activity into fun” (Pearson).  In class Marlen has repeatedly stated that the fool may come off as jokester but really are the wisest of all the archetypes.  I believe this because the level three of the fool is, “Life is experienced fully in the moment; life is celebrated for its own sake and lived in the moment, one day at a time” (Pearson).  I believe that is a main part of life.  It is not about how much money, women, or possessions I have but about am I truly happy every morning I wake up?  Reaching that point in life would be heaven on earth.  At age nineteen I can be like that because I do not have any real-world concerns yet.  I am not providing for my own family, I do not have a nine-five job, and I am in college finding myself with all of my surroundings.  The fool is the wisest because it has been through the journey, through finding themselves and can sit back and relax with all of the power in their self to live care free and happy.

Each archetype, not just the fool, has been portrayed throughout my college career thus far.  I do it without knowing.  There is no switch in my mind that decides what archetype to use; it just naturally happens.  I have become a Picasso at painting with all the colors of the wind.  In my first year and a half of college I have used all of these different archetypes.   My story is going from academic probation to dean’s list is my greatest journey throughout college.  I want to break it down using each of archetypes.

Innocent:

I have used my innocent archetype by coming to Indiana.  I had to gain the courage to apply for college and have faith in my own self to continue my education onto the next level.  It put me into a bubble of safety, coming to Indiana, as the Innocent does.   I am not out working and struggling from paycheck to paycheck like some of my other friends are.  I am here in college getting an education to better improve myself for the real world.  My Innocent had to gain the trust of the people around me in college.  For so long I had known all of the kids in my high school.  I would know each and everybody’s background story and where they come from because we all went to the same school district for so long.  Now, in college it is a swarm of people left and right and I had to decipher who I could trust and who was being honest with me.  I had to take the positive with the negative in college which brought in my next archetype.

The Orphan:

I became the Orphan archetype full force after my first semester of college.  All of the people who were so proud of me getting into college had suddenly turned their back on me and left me with myself to figure it out.  I was betrayed by life by not thinking of the consequences of doing poorly in school would crash down full force on my life.  That is when I would write to myself in a journal.  That was the ultimate exploration of self.  I had to set the bar higher.   I needed to make smart decisions not only with my school work but in my life as well.  I had to people who before I thought were my friends but in my time of need they abandoned me as well.  That is when I found out who my true friends were.  Even though it was a time of spiraling downfall; the climb back is what made me look back and smile. 

The Warrior/ Caregiver:

The Warrior came into my life when I relinquished myself from the Orphan and began to set goals for a better life.  I began to take steps forward in my life instead of regressing.  This included to: go to class, stop partying every night, learn from my previous mistakes, make daily schedules to study and try to show others that school is more important than drunken nights.  The Power of Myth states, “When you follow the path of your desire and enthusiasm and emotion, keep your mind in control and don’t let it pull you compulsively into disaster” (Campbell)  

The Warrior is the archetype that saved me from falling into a deeper Orphan state.  It reminded me of when Siddhartha was disgusted with what he had become in his life and then felt real emptiness.  He contemplated killing himself because of how much he hated who he now was.  Then he heard the inner “Om” and realized that there is much more to the world.  He then reverted back to a child-like happiness and appreciated everything in the world.   He had started anew with his mental thinking and realized where he was and it was senseless to end his life when it is not over.  That is how I learned to take care of others by showing them that the way I chose is not the correct way and I began to care for myself.

The Seeker:

I became the Seeker when I had to find out this new path of college life which I am still experiencing to this day.  I had to become for lack of a better word; a nerd.  I had to teach myself how to study; how to sit down and actually process the information put in front of me and to not just blow it off.  Instead of going to a fraternity on the usual Thursday night drink-a-thon; I began to make the library my own party.  It was even more beneficial that my roommate at that time always needed the room to have sex with his girlfriend.  This let me just get all my work done when I would go to the library because I did not want to go back into my dorm room and walk in on them…again.  My eyes have yet to recover.

The Destroyer/ Creator:

The Destroyer archetype for me is ironic because what I had to destroy was who I became.  I truly was Siddhartha.  I was disgusted at who I was at that point in my life.  I was living up to the expectations of all of the people who doubted me.  My metamorphosis began by turning my back to what I was and starting a life for a new Brock.  My Creator archetype settled into my life once I appreciated being in college for not just the party scene but a place where they wanted to make each one of their students a better individual.  I began to go to all of my classes and not just sit in the back rows but become involved in the class discussions. I had created a nerd within myself; a person who loved to go to class now and appreciated learning more to gain knowledge to better myself.

The Lover:

In this same time frame of a finding myself on my journey in college I was also in love with a female counterpart.  It brought out some of my best qualities through love and caring for a person.  As in life for every good there is an evil and in addition it would bring out the bad in me.  It is amazing how I would go leaps and bounds for this one person and how much a love can consume your life.  Then just one instance of confrontation it can all go array.  It showed me that not everything that seems to be perfect is and it showed a deeper love for my friends who were there once again to help me through the bad times. 

The Ruler/ Magician:

In my journey back to Indiana for my second year of school I have now become the Ruler archetype.  I have a reputation to live up to now that I set for myself.  I am now expected to get good grades and there is no excuse about it.  Even in Marlen’s class; I put pressure on myself to not blow things off and to go to every class because I want to live up to what I know I can be.  The Magician comes into play when I use what I have learned in the course of my journey.  It is basic knowledge that if I study for school then I will do better.  I can transform my own future by bettering myself through what I have learned on this journey.  I have acquired more knowledge in these three semesters of college than I ever thought possible.

The Sage:

My Sage archetype plays into the knowledge that I have gained throughout my experience.   It is analyzing all that I have overcome throughout my whole journey.  I have gone through my belly of the whale moment to self-discovery and now where I am at in life.   I have seen both sides of the coin of life.  When I did poorly I was left alone and to figure it out myself and then when I did superb everybody instantly loves me.

In The Power of Myth when Moyers asks Campbell this, “Perfection would be a bore, wouldn’t it?”  Campbell responds with, “It would have to be.  It would be inhuman.  The umbilical point, the humanity, the thing that makes you human and not supernatural and immortal; that’s what’s lovable” (Campbell).

That answered what I was searching for this entire time.  Humans cannot be perfect because then I would not learn from my faults.  If I were to do everything correct there would be no substance to life.  A lot of things would not be here if people never fucked up once in a while and that is the beauty of being humans.  I will fall to the deepest holes of my own self pity and then become enlightened by just breathing.  Breathing in the oxygen that lets me live on this beautiful planet.  I know not where my journey will take me in life but I know that I am strong enough to make it through any of it.  “At the darkest moment comes the light” (Campbell).

 

 Works Cited

Campbell, Joseph. The Power Of Myth. New York: A Division of Random House Inc. 1988     Apostrophe S Productions, Inc.

Hesse, Herman. Siddhartha. New York: New Directions Publishing Corporation, 1951.

Pearson, Carol.  Awakening The Heroes Within. New York: HarperCollins Publishers, 1991.